February 28, 2013
Wahoo! Third Trimester! Bring it on...
I'm now 28 weeks along! I feel like a whale, have started gaining weight at an alarming rate, and am starting to breakout in zits, but it's all worth it! I had my 28 week appointment today and everything looks great. I'm measuring at the 28/29 week mark and the baby's heartbeat is around 151 bpm. My body seems to be growing more sideways than in the front and it's a little shocking to see those large hips staring back at me. I can eat whatever now, although baby seems to like chocolate a lot and still doesn't like tomatoes very much. I've also noticed my posture has been slipping so I've been trying to focus on sitting up straight, but it kind of hurts sometimes. I also have started getting flabby arms again... I just can't seem to find the energy to lift weights right now, and a lot of the exercises I know for the arms just don't feel right with a big belly. The body pillow is the best thing EVER to help me sleep well and I can't imagine how I used to be able to sleep without it. Oh, and it's so nice to be at the point where if the baby did come early that there is a very real possibility it will be able to survive. My hospital has a NICU for babies born at 26 weeks and up so that's nice!
Baby now weighs about 2 pounds 2 ounces and is between 10-13 inches long. He is developing more of his brain, can blink his eyes, and is starting to grow hair.
Apparently I should have ended up my last entry with the words "Knock on Wood."
Only a few hours after finishing my 27 and 28 Week post and saying how nice it was that the hospital we are close to has a NICU, I end up in that hospital with a baby that will probably end up in the NICU! Crazy how the world works.
I was out walking the dog and boy (around 3:30) when suddenly I felt a little gush of fluid. I thought, "That was weird" and kept walking. Well, a few feet later the same thing happened again! I was in denial and just kept saying, "this cannot be happening yet" and making up excuses for what this actually was. TJ and I went to the park where I sat down and felt better. We walked home and I used the bathroom. I thought maybe I just had some pee escape since my bladder felt so full. I did have to change my pants, however, and I was a little concerned and didn't know what to do. I lied down on the couch for a bit then tried to help TJ make banana bread. Halfway through the bread I felt another gush and immediately called the doctor. I wasn't sure what it was, but it scared me enough to get it checked out. With TJ my water broke in one big kaboom so this was a little different and not what I expected and definitely not WHEN I expected it. I called Jeff and told him to meet us at the doctor's office. What a miracle the Lord's timing is... Jeff was literally driving home after finishing the BAR when he got my phone call. I can't imagine doing this even one day or one hour before it actually happened.
I got to the doctor's office and Jeff arrived a few minutes later to hang out with TJ in the waiting room. A few seconds after the doctor started examining me he had a positive for amniotic fluid on his test. I had just come in and wasn't on the computers so I think he confused me with someone else because he said, "Well, it looks like someone is going to have a baby! You're what... around 37 weeks?" I then started crying (not for the last time) and said, "No! I'm at 28 weeks!" He was shocked and said now that was a problem. He said he was sending me to Timpanogos Hospital straight from his office and I'd be where for possibly a few weeks- until this baby was born. He had me go to the ultrasound so they could check on baby and get some info. to send to the hospital. While there we discovered that the baby was traverse (bumb first), was about 2 lbs 2 oz, and I still had some fluid. He called the hospital to tell them the situation and started giving instructions for what I needed. He then printed out my prenatals and other reports the hospital would need so I could deliver them. By this time it was about 6:45. We drove TJ to Mike and Marilyn's house (he'd later be taken home by Grandma and Grandpa Whitchurch) before we got to the hospital. We checked in and they had a room all ready for me. Every nurse was so nice and kind and they really took care of me. It took some time getting registered and getting my IV in and then the fun really started. I got a steroid shot in the bumb (very painful!!), two antibiotic IV drips, some pills, and another amniotic fluid test done (not fun either!). Then the bad contractions started- pretty painful and close together. They ended up giving me two separate shots so I'd stop contracting and those weren't fun. They made me dizzy, my heart start racing, and made me feel nauseous. They were really worried about me going into labor so they had the NICU people come talk to us and were ready if anything happened. They also wouldn't let me have any food until the danger had passed... and I was SO hungry:) Finally about 11pm I got a sandwich and they were able to give me sleeping medicine. I didn't get to sleep (with everything that had happened) until about 2am.
We had another ultrasound first thing on Thursday morning (for the NICU people to be ready) and they marked baby’s weight at 2 lbs 7 oz. They also checked every single organ, the brain, limbs, and fluid to see how he’s doing. I was still at an 8 with my fluid and baby looked really good. His brain had just the right amount of fluid, he was measuring well, his heart was strong and healthy, his heartbeat was awesome, and he was moving around happily with all his new found space. The worry is his lungs since those develop slower (hence the steroids) and they won’t know how those will be until baby comes. The only other problem is that right now he is transverse- which means his bumb is facing down. The biggest worry now is of infection. Without all the fluid I’m much more likely to develop an infection that can be passed to baby. They monitor me closely to make sure I don’t start bleeding, get a fever, start contracting, etc. I’m also on two IV drips of antibiotics to keep infection away. As soon as an infection is detected they will immediately deliver baby- so it could be today or a few weeks from now. Also, if he doesn’t change position it will be a C-section.
Now we just wait in the hospital on strict bedrest trying to keep baby in. We were told that every 12 hours is a blessing and we’ll take all the time we can get. The biggest hurdle was the 48 hour mark (since the steroids don’t really start working until that time) and we passed that Friday night! We were also told that for every day in my tummy that’s 3 days out of the NICU so we’re thankful for every day and every hour we get. Bedrest is boring and painful and no fun but I’ll take every day of bedrest I can get if that means baby will stay inside longer and continue to develop. We are so thankful for modern medicine, doctors, nurses, prayers, help, and love from family and friends. We really do feel overwhelmed sometimes by the prayers being sent our way and we are very grateful for them.
I know this is what is supposed to be happening. I don’t know why, but Jeff and I feel at peace. We know Heavenly Father has a plan for this little baby and that He’s watching over us. I was given a beautiful blessing by Jeff and Mike right before I came to the hospital and it’s so nice to feel the powerful love of my Heavenly Father testifying to me that I and my baby are in His hands. I still feel scared, sad, emotional, and lonely at times, but I know all the prayers being sent our way are helping me be stronger than I could be. I don’t know what the next hour, day, week, or month will bring but I know we’ll be ok and we’ll keep you updated as well!
March 3, 2013
I've now been here 4 days and it is hard, but I know it is worth it. My backside is super sore and I find myself getting pretty bored and lonely. It's funny because at home I would've loved to spend a few hours reading in bed, but now it's hard. I have a fuzzy head and feel all hot from the meds and sitting so long so it's hard to concentrate for long. I read for a few minutes, then try to sleep, then do Sudoku, then try to type on the computer, then try to text or write in a journal, etc. but I can't do any of them for long. Last night I was having a hard night and feeling sorry for myself, so this morning I started a miracle journal to write down all the miracles that have already surrounded this experience and all the times I've felt the Lord's love and hands in my life and my baby's life. I can't write for long, but it feels so good to focus on the good and beautiful moments we've already had during this time.
One beautiful moment that I had today was when they brought the sacrament to me. I didn't know the people who brought it, but they brought the Lord's ordinance and Spirit with them and it was overwhelming how powerful it was. I broke down sobbing as they prayed over the bread and water and shared them with me. I felt, at that moment, my Savior's love for me and the power of all the prayers and fasts being offered up for me and my family. What an amazing feeling- I'm tearing up thinking of it now! I'm so thankful for the atonement of Christ and the peace and comfort I can feel at this hard time in my life. I'm also so very very grateful for all those who have prayed and fasted for us- I CAN FEEL EACH ONE!! I know I'll be ok... not sure how or why things will happen as they do, but I know it's all for the Lord's reasons.
*Doctor said that these first four days were a huge milestone and that if I continue to do well I can maybe go off the IV tomorrow and just take oral medicine (wahoo!!). He also gave me permission to sit in a chair two times a day for 30 minute stretches. He is also optimistic that I can go for a week or longer without having baby... so here's hoping for the best!
March 5, 2013
Pres. Hinckley quoted the following in 2007:
E. T. Sullivan once wrote these interesting words: “When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home and of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.”
My dear sister-in-law shared this beautiful quote with me. I feel so strongly that this baby has been sent to me by God for an important purpose. It overwhelms and humbles me to be a part of this amazing process and to know that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough to let me by a mother to a helpless baby boy who will someday do a great work on the world.
March 6, 2013
I made it to 29 weeks!!!! I never thought I'd be doing my 29 week update from the hospital or that I'd be so excited to reach this milestone, but life sure is different than we expect sometimes. This picture was taken on Monday, but I figure it still works.
I'm still here in the hospital on bedrest... which means that baby is being a good boy and still cookin'. I've also had a few milestones this week. On Monday I got to transition to oral meds and get off the IV (hallelujah!). I also got permission for 30 mins everyday in a chair or wheelchair ride, although I didn't have the energy for that today. They've also got me being monitored only twice and day so I have a lot more freedom, and quiet time, than I did before. I'm starting to get to know the nurses pretty well and getting to hear some fun stories from the Labor and Delivery floor. It's kind of funny since they aren't used to people staying very long here so they say I'm special. One of the nurses even gave Jeff and TJ the code for the snack room today, so they can get snacks whenever they want!
I've had a lot of fun visitors and kind well wishers so I feel really loved. Kimi even took work off on Monday and spent the day with me which was really fun. While she was here she made a schedule for me and wrote new goals on my dry erase board (that keep entertaining visitors and nurses). One of the things she wrote on the schedule was "Write motivational quotes". When my nurse, Kristy, saw that today she thought that was a great idea. She then went out to the nurses station and had everyone write down a motivational quote for me. Missy was here and wrote them on a poster paper that she hung on the wall. All these little extra things are so fun and cheery to look at, and they all remind my I'm loved and are g'reat to lift the spirits. (I'll try to take pictures of my decorated room in the next few days so you can get a feel of my home away from home).
One more little note before I take my lovely Ambien and go to bed. The other night I was laying here feeling sorry for myself when I started thinking about how hard it is to lay in bed and not do anything. I then thought about those who have children who have to lie in a hospital bed for one reason or another. I saw for a moment TJ laying in a bed hooked up to tubes, not being able to run around and play and my heart almost burst for him. I thought of those parents who have to watch their children suffer in a hospital. I can't imagine how hard that would be- trying to comfort them and wanting, more than anything, to be able to take their child's place and suffer for them. While I was thinking that the Spirit whispered to me saying, "that is exactly what you are doing. You are being given the opportunity to lay in a hospital bed, be hooked up to tubes, suffer, and be lonely so your baby doesn't have to right now." That hit me so hard! Now instead of thinking of myself and how hard it is for me, I think of my little baby and how each day I lay here is more time I'm giving to him to be safe, comfortable, and happy growing stronger where he's supposed to be. Each day I suffer in the hospital is a day I'm giving my precious little one. I'm so thankful for the gift of looking at this situation that way. I'm giving my baby a gift and doing this for him... and when I think of it that way, my burden is light and I'm willing and happy to do this for him. Because he is definitely worth it!
March 10, 2013
I discovered something a few days ago that has me very humbled and grateful to a loving Father in Heaven for His help during this challenging time for me. I had noticed that, for the last few days, I was getting progressively happier. I wasn't having those lonely, self-pity moments as much- or at all- and I had actually started looking forward to each day with happiness and patience. I truly have started to become content with my situation and been able to look at all the good around me, fill my time with fun and meaningful things, and be grateful that I'm able to stay in this hospital bed so my baby doesn't have to right now.
In the back of my mind I was aware of these changes, but hadn't really taken any time to look at them closely or try to discover why until Friday night. I was reading my scriptures and decided to re-read the passage we had read earlier in the week for our family scripture study- Mosiah 24. My Dad had given me a challenge to study faith and I thought this would be a great place to start. In this chapter Alma, and his people, were put under bondage by Amulon and the Lamanites and, after a time, are delivered out of bondage. I had been impressed with a few verses in this chapter and wanted to study it more fully. As I began writing down the steps of faith that Alma and his people went through, I began to feel the Spirit stronger and stronger testifying to me that I was on the same journey of faith. Let me list the steps of faith- as I saw it- for the people of Alma, and then I'll explain how my journey has been so similar.
Steps of Faith for the People of Alma:
1. The people of Alma were afflicted with great burdens and trials.
2. They chose to turn to the Lord and poured out their hearts in mighty prayer.
3. The Lord then told them to be comforted.
4. The Lord told them He would ease their burdens so others could see that He visits those in affliction.
5. Their burdens were made lighter while the people of Alma were made stronger.
6. The people were able to bear their burdens with ease and submit cheerfully and with patience.
7. Their faith and patience were made great.
8. Finally the Lord delivered them from their afflictions.
My steps of faith:
1. I was afflicted with a great burden and trial when my water broke, 12 weeks early, and I was told I had to stay in the hospital until the baby came- which might be any day.
2. I was scared and worried, but I chose to turn to the Lord and poured out my heart to Him. Many, many others also cried mightily to the Lord on behalf of myself, baby, and Jeff and we felt the power of all those prayers and fasts.
3. I was then given comfort, by the Spirit, to know we were loved and things were in the Lord's hands. I was also given the blessing of knowing that I had the opportunity to serve my baby by taking his place in the hospital for him. That gave me immense comfort and peace.
4. I was promised, in a priesthood blessing, that our trial would give others the opportunity to see the Lord's hands in our lives and that we would be examples to others of how the Lord helps us during our trials.
5. My burdens- things that seemed to hard, painful, and overwhelming those first few days- did become lighter. I was slowly taken off all day monitoring, my IV was taken out, the medicines didn't effect me negatively as much, my backside stopped hurting as much, the loneliness didn't feel so lonely, etc. I was also made stronger. Every day I could feel strength given to me to handle whatever would come. I definitely feel so much stronger- physically to withstand the pains and aches, spiritually to trust in the Lord and see His hand in my life, emotionally to be cheerful, patient, and calm, and mentally to be able to think clearer and focus on projects to pass the time.
6. I can honestly say that the last few days I've been able to bear my burden with ease and have been able to submit cheerfully and with patience to all the Lord has sent my way. It wasn't until I discovered this pattern of faith that I had noticed how really cheerful I had become. For about a week I would cry when any visitors left, I would cry when talking to my Mom, I would cry when talking to the nurses, etc. I tried to be cheerful and patient, but it was hard and I had to work on it every day. The last few days I have genuinely been happy. I've had multiple people, visitors, nurses, doctors, that have even commented on how happy I sound or in what good spirits I'm in. They also seem surprised that I seem to have gotten happier as I sit here, instead of the opposite. I know that this is a gift from the Lord because of my faith. I'm so very thankful that I can be cheerful and patient with all that goes on. I know this doesn't mean I won't ever be sad, depressed, fearful, lonely, etc. again, but I have noticed such a huge difference in myself that I know it comes as a blessing from the Lord and I am so grateful for it.
6. My faith and my patience have been made great.
7. I know, when the time is right, that I will be delivered from this affliction and burden- even if the way I'm delivered is not at all what I would've had happen. I can't have faith in only one outcome of deliverance. I have to have faith enough and be strong enough to accept whatever type of deliverance is offered. But until then I'm so grateful the Lord has set up this pattern for me to comfort me, strengthen me, increase my patience, increase my faith, and help me stay cheerful.
March 13, 2013
Who would've thought I'd make it to 30 weeks!! Oh, it feels so good! 30 just feels like such a bigger number than 29. We feel so blessed that baby has been able to stay "in nature's perfect NICU" as my brother calls it. I'm doing great and in good spirits. I feel every day is a blessing and we'll keep baby in as long as we can. The doctor is really happy and says we'll take each day we can get. I've also now been here for exactly 2 weeks which is kind of amazing. They've been good to be able to control my contractions (although I haven't had any in a week and a half- knock on wood) so the biggest concern is still infection. Every day we watch for signs- tender belly, fever, blood, baby's heartrate changing rapidly, etc. I still take two types of antibiotics each day (orally- thank goodness), am monitored twice a day, and have my temp and blood pressure checked every few hours. But other than that they pretty much leave me alone to do my own thing.
I feel baby move a lot now, and it's a lot more pronounced without a lot of fluid in there. Sometimes it makes me a little nauseous, but it's always fun to know he's in there swimming around and doing well.
I get my meals delivered, and they are ok. My favorite is lunch- I always get the turkey sandwich and it's really good. I tend to go between 3 or 4 of the dinners that are actually pretty good- so not much variety, but at least I know what to expect and it keeps my strength up. They also have an amazing chocolate cake that I've only let myself have twice, but mmmm.... it is good!
I had an ultrasound on Monday and the good news is my fluids are up (from an 8 to a 12) and baby finally turned so he's head-down!! That is a huge blessing, and now we hope he'll stay put. He seems to love doing gymnastics, but hopefully he won't turn breech again because I really don't want to have a C-section. Baby's heartbeat is also doing great. The nurses have said that they notice a difference since I came in. The first little bit he had a very steady heartbeat and now it fluctuates a lot more- which is a good thing, they say.
I've had great visitors and support from family and friends. My room is so happy and cheerful and people keep bringing me chocolate and lots of stuff to do. I don't think I could read all the reading material I've been given in a year, but it's fun to make a dent in it and I feel so loved. My favorite pass-time right now is cross-stitch. My mother-in-law brought me a cute baby pattern and it's been so much fun working on it while I watch a movie or while I'm on the baby monitors. Thanks to all who have sent prayers, have visited, or who check up on me through e-mail and texts. I also want to send a huge thanks to all who have helped watch TJ. It hasn't been easy on him or Jeff, but we're so thankful he's had so many loving people to take care of him and help him have a good experience through this all. Jeff and TJ visit me most nights and I love seeing them. TJ enjoys sitting on my bed with me, coloring, and playing Blokus (one of our new favorite games, thanks to Aunt Tina!). I love you all!
We're taking it one day at a time, but I'm SO thankful to be at 30 weeks! It's a miracle and a blessing and it makes me so happy! Now we'll shoot for 31 weeks! The doctor said that a month is the longest he's ever had someone go after their water has broken. Who knows, maybe we'll beat the record...
We think we've also decided on a name. Since we got here the name Gideon has just felt right. It was on our list already, but not it really feels like it is his name. So, as of right now, we're thinking Gideon Marcus, but it could change.
March 14, 2013
I often get asked, "How is TJ doing through all of this?". The answer is that he's doing pretty well. He's having to adjust to the changes, just like the rest of us, but he's also pretty resilient. He's sure been a trooper about going to lot of different houses and having his schedule messed up all the time. We can tell that he misses the consistency and he has been acting up a bit more. He has seems to have lots of silliness and energy and needs lot of attention, which is understandable. It's such a blessing, however, that he is old enough to mostly understand what is going on and why he can't be with Mom every day. He's also old enough that he can go to random houses and have fun and be ok. It would be so much harder if he cried whenever he was around someone new or at a new place, or if he had to have more of a consistent schedule or diapers to change. It is a blessing he is old enough to handle this trial and still have fun away from Mommy and Daddy. He's spent time at lots of different houses with Jeff picking him up after work, spending a little time with Daddy playing and eating dinner, and then coming to visit Mommy at the hospital before going home for bed. Some days, when Jeff has to be gone all day, he'll sleep at someone's house, but we've been able to do a lot of days at home and he's still been able to go to school most days.
Right now Jeff has rehearsals and then concerts for "Lamb of God" today, Friday, and Saturday so TJ's been staying with Grandma and Grandpa Cannon up in Logan. I think I have a harder time being away from TJ than he has from me! When you spend almost every single day together for 5 years it's really hard to see him with someone else all day while you sit all alone. Yesterday, after saying goodnight to him on the phone, I just broke down and cried for a long time. I'm still grateful that I get to sacrifice for my new baby and I still know that the Lord's hand is in all things and there is a purpose for all that... but sometimes it's just so hard to be strong. I kept thinking about TJ greeting someone else in the morning, about him playing with someone else all day, about him learning new things with someone else, getting ready for bed, having tubby time, chatting with, reading stories with, saying silly things to, doing "one minute" with, going on trips in the car with, etc. and it was really hard. I'm so thankful that he has such wonderful people to be with right now, but I sure miss him. I miss all those little moments that you get as a Mom. I miss the hugs and kisses. I miss being there for him when he gets hurt and kissing his owie better. I miss watching him get so excited that he jumps up and down.
Wendi knew I'd be missing my little boy so she was able to take this video of TJ at Grandma Whitchurch's house before she came to visit on Tuesday. When she showed it to me I just broke down and cried. Silly, because I got to see him that night for an hour, it was just hard not having him with me all the time.
I think it's hard for me to let go and actually let TJ learn and grow from this trial as well as Jeff and I. I need to let him suffer and sacrifice a little so he can grow stronger and become the big brother that Heavenly Father is preparing him to become. I know he'll never be the same after this experience and that scares me a little. It's hard to let go of the little boy I've known for so long, but I know this will all be for our good. Our family will become stronger from all this- each one of us will grow stronger. When I remember it is all the in the Lord's hands, I need to remember that TJ is also in His hands and He knows what is best for my little boy. I need to show a little more trust and a little more faith. Sometimes it's easier when it comes to myself than it is for my little guy. I know we can do this and I'm so thankful for all the help along the way. I miss TJ so much, but I know he's happy and he'll be ok. Last night was hard, but today I'm stronger for it. I will also appreciate all the little moments, with TJ, a little bit more and I'm thankful for that. I'm also thankful for 5 amazing years with him as my only child. Not many Moms and sons get to experience that, and it has truly been special.
March 15, 2013
You know you've been in the L and D a long time when...
- You've started to memorize the nurses schedules and look forward to certain day and not others depending on who will be on duty that day.
- You can call all the nurses, techs, etc. by name.
- You recognize the differences in cafeteria workers based on how your lunch sandwich looks (some days I get bread and a bit of turkey and other days I get bread, turkey, lettuce, tomato, pickles, and on really good days.... cheese!)
- You make friends with the cleaning lady and she tried to help you with your Spanish, then tells you to just go watch "Dora the Explorer".
- The mylar balloon you were given when you first got here has half-way deflated and keeps drooping lower.
- You start telling the nurses when you should be receiving your meds and should be monitored.
- You've gone through 3 sets of leg pumps.
- The nurse tells your husband and son the code to the snack room so they can go there whenever they want and get snacks.
- The flowers that you were given on the second day have started to dry where they sit.
- The coat and clothes you were wearing when you came in are already out of season.
- You watch ladies with big bellies walk in the building, then a few days later you watch them get wheeled out to their cars with their new babies.
- You get to hear a whole bunch of stories about all the exciting and strange things that happen each day.
- There are more posters than blank spaces on the wall.
- You feel like you should start forwarding your mail to your hospital room.
- You've tried all the room service items that sound good multiple times.
- You've already been through 2 power outages.
- The nurses start looking up funny pictures on pinterest to make you laugh.
- You've showered so many times you've almost run out of conditioner.
- You've half-way finished a large cross-stitch project.
- People start bringing you items to decorate your room for two different holidays.
- You've memorized the TV channels.
- You desperately need a haircut.
- You've watched all the interesting movies on the hospital movie channel (that only changes once every 5 months).
- The nurses start to recognize your family by name and ask about them.
- You start couting by weeks instead of days.
March 18, 2013
Well, for good or bad, things are starting to happen. Yesterday, both times on the monitors, baby had a rather large deceleration. His heartbeat is usually around 155 or so and it went all the way down to the 70s for about a minute. I was really worried and the nurses left me on for about an hour both times to make sure he was okay. The rest of the time he was fine and was looking good. They even said that he had enough variations (heartbeat going a little faster then slower) which means his brain is developing and starting to control his heartbeat. The decels were not good, however. That is one sign that baby isn't doing well and a reason doctors might decide to induce baby and just make him come. So I was worried listening to that and starting to stress out. I also got pretty scared for delivery and everything that comes after that. As much as it stinks to lay in a hospital bed all day the thought of the next steps in the process really scared me. I didn't feel ready for that!!
Well, things went well during the night and then I had another AFI this morning (an ultrasound that determines my amniotic fluid index number). Last Monday my number went from an 8 to a 12- which was awesome- and baby had turned head-down. On Friday we found out that he'd gone from a 12 to a 5.5 and that he'd turned side-ways (transverse) again. That was kind of disappointing, but the doctor said it was ok as long as baby stayed moving and looked good on the monitors. My AFI this morning turned out to be a 3.3! I keep loosing fluid, and that is not good. The nurses were worried and told me I was grounded. I told them I already thought I was grounded :) She put me right on the monitors and said that they had to talk to the doctor but he might choose to induce or decide to monitor for 12 hours or so. I guess the nurses don't like keeping anyone with a fluid level under 5. Of course, after hearing all this, I was a little freaked out again. We heard from the doctor a while later and he said they'll still keep doing what we're doing. I'm supposed to stay in bed all the time now- just get up to go to the bathroom- and get as much rest as possible. Even when I sit up in bed for a while I start feeling some pressure on the belly and it feels like I could start contractions any time. When I lay down it does get better so I know their advice is good.
Jeff was wonderful to come over during his lunch and give me a blessing. I really needed it and it was beautiful. I instantly felt an outpouring of peace and comfort. I was blessed to know what to do for baby and that he was in the Lord's hands. I had to remind myself that I need to put my trust and faith in the Lord- not in doctors, nurses, machines, etc. (as good as they may be). This baby will come when it is the Lord's will and I'm so thankful for that knowledge. I know we can do this! Jeff also blessed me to be able to smile and be a light to others. I needed that boost and am thankful for the reminder that my attitude is mine to choose. I also feel SO blessed that we've made it this far. I don't want to take any of these days for granted, but to remember that they are all blessings from the Lord. Yesterday they had a 22 week and a 28 week baby born. That 28 week baby could have been us! I just have to remember that things are going to change and I need to be ready and still trust in the the Lord.
In other news- here are some random extra tidbits, just for fun!
-I just had a visit from the hospital social workers. I thought I was in trouble, but they were just checking to make sure I was handling this ok and had support. We had a fun visit and I made them laugh... so I think I passed the test :)
-I now weigh 148... down two pounds from last week. How funny that at any other time I'd be thrilled to loose two pounds in a week. Hopefully I don't get my diet changed... you'd think with all the chocolate I eat I'd be gaining like crazy. Goodbye all my muscles! I guess I'll just appreciate exercising even more when I go home!
-This baby gets the hiccups all the time! He's even gotten them while I was on the monitors. That is a funny sound.
-My sheet keeps popping off my bed! I have the bed at an angle so I can sit/lay and still do a few things (like type) and the top of the sheet keeps popping off! The first time it happened it scared me half to death. I guess because I have two mattresses it's hard to fit a sheet.
-Kit Kats are my new favorite things... thanks to Kimi for the supply!
-My Dad makes me laugh! When he was here to pick up TJ they came to visit and took me on a wheelchair ride. When he brought me back in he said, "Inmate Rachel checking back in!" The nurses thought that was funny.
-Another funny thing- my Dad told me he wants to get me an Ivy plant to hang from my IV pole. Then I could say, "I've got a new IVY!"
March 20, 2013
Wow... 31 weeks pregnant! Who would've thought 3 weeks ago that I would make it this far. It truly is a miracle in the making. I've been in the hospital 3 weeks now! I have nurses who've left for a week come in and say, "You're still here?!" Crazy that I've been in here for most of the month of March and will be in here a while longer yet. On Monday we had a little scare, but yesterday and today things have calmed down and I'm back to "normal" routine.
I had another ultrasound today and my AFI is now a 4. They also measured baby and he was only measuring 28/29 weeks and about 2 lbs 8 oz. I know that these things are just an estimate, so it's not completely accurate, but it was a little disappointing. The doctor wasn't worried- it's more important that he develops his brain, lungs, heart, etc. than he gains lots of weight. So we're still waiting and thankful for every day.
I'm doing ok- I keep busy most times and have only had a few breakdowns :) My room keeps getting more and more festive and I enjoy the visitors. I do get tired and this bed is really getting old, but I can do it. I've had lots of chocolate and treats brought in, and other food, but it's hard to eat a lot when you just lay in bed. I can also feel baby all the time now. I guess without most of my fluid my uterus is kind of collapsed around him so I can feel him pushing outward all the time. At first that felt like contractions, but now I just know it's baby. I'm still leaking fluid, but hopefully it doesn't go down to a 3 again. (They do an ultrasound every other day now). The doctor said he hasn't ever delivered someone just based on their AFI so as long as I can continue to feel baby move and he looks good on the monitors, and I don't show signs of infection, we'll be ok. Oh yeah, and he is transverse still, but now his head is on the other side again! Amazing how much he can move around in that tiny space.
Jeff was playing with the settings on my bed and made TJ and I go up really high! TJ thought it was so much fun, but it was a little nervous-making for me. The things we do for our kids! I love that TJ loves coming to visit me and sit by me in bed.
A few more fun additions to my room- fun St. Patrick's day flowers from my Mom and Dad and colorful jelly beans with 41 flavors from Karen.I also got some new flowers next to the old. My neighbor came and brought those large flowers from her and 4 other neighbors. I love flowers and I love looking at them all day. They are so bright and cheery!
I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks about sacrifice. We are taught about sacrifice in many places and it is an important aspect of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I've thought about sacrifice before, as it pertains to tithing, time for church callings, giving up teaching so I could be a Mother, etc. but I've never thought as long and hard about sacrifice as I have the last few weeks. As I've been sitting in this hospital bed (for 25 days now!) I've had a lot of people talk to me about sacrifice. I've heard things such as; "Your sacrifice will be so worth it.", "You can tell your baby all about what you had to sacrifice for him.", "Wow, you're making such a sacrifice!". I kind of thought, "Well, yeah I'm sacrificing all these things to be here..." but not beyond that. Sacrifice is so much more than it appears on the surface! Let me try to put into words some of my knowledge of sacrifice and how that knowledge has increased as I've lived this law of the gospel every day.
I think I used to think of sacrifice as something we had to suffer through, but we don't have to see it that way. My sister-in-law started me thinking about how sacrifice can be a blessing. Elder Ballard taught that, "The primary purpose of the law of sacrifice is twofold: to test us and to assist us to come unto Christ." We are here on earth to learn and grow and try to become like our Savior, Jesus Christ. There is no way we can become like the Savior of mankind without learning how to sacrifice, because he made the ultimate sacrifice for us. So when we are given opportunities to sacrifice, we are given opportunities to experience, just a little bit, what our Savior went through. We cannot know real sacrifice without living through, learning through, and becoming humbled through our own sacrifices.
Sacrifice also can lead us to great blessings. President Harold B. Lee said, “I [am] persuaded of one great truth: Whenever the Lord has a great blessing for one of his children, he puts that son or daughter in the way to make a great sacrifice.” I love to think that I have been put in the way to make this great sacrifice because there is a great blessing awaiting us. If we look at sacrifice that way we can be so grateful and hopefully it will help us be more patient with the trial at hand.
Another reason that sacrifice is a blessing is that when we sacrifice for someone we grow in love for that person. Jesus Christ has greater love for all mankind than any of us could understand, because he sacrificed more for all mankind than any of us could understand. When I think of the sacrifices I'm making for this baby, I know that I am growing in my love for him. Each sacrifice I face turns me away from selfishness and towards unconditional love for my little man. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to sacrifice for him and to love him more than I ever could without this experience. We are commanded to sacrifice and I feel so blessed to be given an opportunity to obey that commandment.
Some days I find myself thinking about all I'm giving up to be here, how hard this is for me, how lonely I am, how sore I am, how I have to go through all this. When I start thinking this way I start going to a dark place. That is a place of self-love, pride, self-pity, selfishness, and despair. When all I can think about is myself I miss learning what I could from this whole experience. When I start thinking about my baby and all I GET to do for him (not HAVE to do for him) I immediately feel love, devotion, happiness, peace, and hope. I GET to do this for my baby. No one else can do this for him. What a joy to be able to give him this gift of time and self. I'm being given the blessing of being able to live the Law of Sacrifice.
One of the hardest things about this experience is watching TJ and Jeff suffer as well. This is not just something that I alone have to go through. My being in the hospital, away from my little family, affects all of us. It's been so hard on me to watch them struggle, suffer, and stretch through this last month. It's especially hard to watch TJ through all of this. After being with me almost every day for 5 and a half years, he's had to sacrifice by giving up his Mommy to let her take care of his little brother. He's also had to go to so many different houses, give up his schedule, give up some school days, adapt to not having parents around, etc. He's been a real trooper, but it has taken a toll on him and I can see how hard it's been for him. I just want to protect him and keep him from hurting or having to suffer. But I can't do that, and even if I could it wouldn't be fair to him. I need to let him sacrifice and have this experience to learn and grow just as much as I need this experience. I can't rob him of his opportunity to learn about sacrifice. He is being given the blessing of learning young how to sacrifice for your family and he will be able to experience first-hand how you can grow in love and become more like the Savior when you sacrifice for someone else- especially a family member.
I have also had to let Jeff experience sacrifice in his own way. He's been through so much and it's hard to watch him try to be strong for me, coordinate everything for TJ, continue working, worry about me and baby, not get a break after taking the BAR, etc. I start feeling bad about all he's had to do and everyone he's had to ask help from. It hasn't been easy on any of us, but I just have to remember we've all been given this opportunity to live the Law of Sacrifice, as a family, and I know we will be so much stronger, closer, and nearer to God through it all and I'm thankful for that.
As I've read scriptures, articles, and talks about sacrifice I'm also amazed how much it coordinates with faith. They go hand-in-hand. It takes faith to trust the Lord enough to be willing to sacrifice so much. We are putting our lives in His hands not knowing what will happen, but we are willing to do this because He has asked us to, and we know He knows what is best. The scriptures are full of examples of faith and sacrifice. One of the greatest, to me, is Abraham who waited so long to have a son. When, after a great miracle, he finally had his dear Isaac he was asked to give up his son to the Lord. He was asked to sacrifice the dearest thing in the world to him and he was willing to do so, not knowing how it would end. He had enough faith in the Lord that he was willing to sacrifice his son. His example gives me so much strength. I read this is a Gospel Essentials lesson, "We may not be asked to sacrifice all things. But like Abraham, we should be willing to sacrifice everything to become worthy to live in the presence of the Lord." I'm being asked to give up my home, my time, my family, my body, my strength, and more for this baby. I have faith that this is the Lord's plan and I am willing to do all I can to stay here as long as I need to- no matter how hard it is. I don't know how this will end. I don't know what else I'll be asked to do, but I have faith and I am blessed that the Lord trusts me enough to ask me to sacrifice for my son. Ezra Taft Bensen said, "If you would find yourself, learn to deny yourself for the blessing of others. Forget yourself and find someone who needs your service, and you will discover the secret to the happy, fulfilled life." I am learning to deny myself for the blessing of others, and I know it will lead to a happier and fuller life!
Let me finish with something I pray for, for myself and my family, during this experience. This is from a talk that Elder Bednar gave a few weeks ago entitled, "That we Might Not Shrink": "I pray that we... may think what we need to think, feel what we need to feel, and learn what we need to learn so we can do what we know we should do and ultimately become what the Lord yearns for us to become."
March 25, 2013
Anyway, the last week or so I've found myself saying, "When I get out of here I'm going to...". Not that I'm only thinking about when I get to leave the hospital- I'll take every day as a blessing from Heaven and am so grateful I can do this for baby, but once I do get home there are definitely things I'm looking forward to! When I was saying that I thought, "Oh my! I am an inmate!" Lol!
You gotta keep yourself smiling... so here are some of things I'm looking forward to when I get out of here!
- Walking and running!
- Squats and Lunges (who would've thought I'd look forward to doing squats and lunges!)
- A long HOT shower
- My own bed
- Getting 'good morning' hugs from TJ
- Snuggling with Jeff
- Snuggling with TJ
- Homemade food
- Snuggling with Ziggy
- Riding bikes
- Wearing other clothes... wearing any clothes
- Getting a haircut!
- Going to the park
- Being able to go out in the sunshine
- Gardening
- Not having to wear a wrist-band
- Shopping for things I need
- Driving
- Having a DVD player
- Not wearing leg pumps
- Being a Mom again
- Getting things done around the house
- Visiting people at their houses
- Enjoying Spring!
- Doing crafts with TJ
- Ironing shirts for Jeff
- Making bread
- Playing my flute for as long and as loud as I want
- Making my own bed
- Decorate for Holidays
- Taking TJ to school
- Making sure Jeff and TJ actually get vegetables every day
- Putting TJ to bed and reading bed-time stories
- Having "one minute" time
- Being woken up by a little boy giving me a hug and telling me he loves me
- Sleeping in a dark room without people wandering around and making loud noises during the night
I'm sure I'll think of more things, but it's amazing what you learn to appreciate when you don't have it anymore. I will definitely not take these things for granted when I get out of here!
March 27, 2013
Do you believe in miracles? It's official... I've actually made it to 32 weeks!! Four weeks ago I came to the hospital with my water broken and they didn't think I'd last the week without delivering. Apparently I'm starting to break records and defying all the odds. The doctor told me today that he can't remember someone lasting a month after their water broke with such low AFI scores. What can I say? I'm just an over-achiever! Four weeks ago I wouldn't have thought I could make it to 32 weeks, but if the Lord can give Sarah a child as an old woman, He can keep this baby inside of me for as long as He chooses- despite the wisdom of doctors and medicine. It is a miracle I've lasted this long and I really do believe in miracles. I was just reading in the scriptures, the other day, that there can be no miracles until after faith. I really feel blessed by all the prayers and faith on our behalf. I'm here to tell you that the Lord hears our prayers, knows what we're going through, and can let us experience miracles if we have faith.
Here is a little update for 32 weeks: The last week I've had a few ultrasounds (I do them every Mon, Wed, and Fri) and many different AFI scores. Last week on Friday my AFI was 5 and baby was transverse. On Monday my AFI was 6.4 and baby was breech. Today my AFI was 4 and baby was head-down. One thing we do know... baby likes to move! The doctor doesn't worry too much about my AFI scores, as long as there is fluid in the baby's bladder and a little around him still, and if his heart rate is still doing well. The worry is still if I get an infection, if baby's heart rate has many decelerations in a row, or if I start bleeding or contracting. So far we're still doing fine!My belly is definitely getting bigger. I've had all my guests comment on how much bigger I look, and I can finally also tell that I'm getting bigger. Baby is measuring small, but those are just estimates and the doctor is more concerned that he is developing than just growing bigger. I can feel him all the time and we can consistently get him on the monitors (still two times a day), whereas there were a few days, a while back, where it took us 30 minutes just to find his heart beat. I've only gained one pound since the week before, but I eat a lot so it's mostly just the muscle I'm losing that is effecting my weight. I also had a visit from Physical Therapy on Monday and now have a few exercises, for legs and arms, I can do each day to help me maintain muscle. I have to be careful to not let any of the exercises stress my tummy so I only do them a few times a day. It'll be interesting to learn how to walk for longer than from the bed to the bathroom again...
I also had a Tech tell me today that of all the antepardum (that's what I'm called apparently) patient's they've had, my room is the brightest and cutest she's ever seen! They all like coming in here because it's so fun and cheerful.
April 11, 2013
The most exciting week yet! I reached 5 weeks in the hospital last Wednesday, and the same day I celebrated turning 33 weeks pregnant. The same day brought the most amazing blessing of all... our baby! Gideon Marcus Whitchurch was born at 5:06pm on Wednesday, April 3, 2013 by c-section. He weighed 3 pounds exactly and was 14 1/2 inches long. We were so happy to meet our little guy and he is doing fantastic! There is the short story :)
... but knowing me I'll have a LOT more to say, so if you'd like the long story of our Wednesday (how it started normal, finding out we were going to have a baby that day, the birth story, the NICU, and the recovery) then read on! Just a warning: this is very long and descriptive so don't complain if you choose to keep reading :)
Things started changing on Monday night. Baby had a few more decelerations on his heart-rate monitor and didn't look as good. I ended up on the monitors for 7 of the next 12 hours- off and on. Tuesday morning he looked good enough again that we went back to normal monitoring and regular schedule. Wednesday morning, about 8am, I had the nurse bring in my breakfast tray and tell me that I was going to have my ultrasound right then. It was scheduled for 2:30 that day, but the perinatologist decided to do me early so they whisked me away right then. The ultrasound tech got a bunch of pictures taken and checked my AFI (4) as always, but then the perinatologist came in and had a consult with me. He also looked at the baby and checked his growth, head, heart, and bloodflow. From what he saw he became a little concerned. For one thing, baby was measuring only at 29 weeks. They had him at 2 lbs 11 oz, which only showed a little growth since my water broke. That was a big concern as well as his blood flow looked like it might not be what they wanted. There looked like some shunting was going on (the body has to pick important areas to send blood to when there isn't enough) so they said his head would probably be a lot bigger than his body. Anyway, the perinatologist then told me that we might have pushed our luck as far as it could go. Then he hit me with the wammy, "So we'll be having a baby today or your doctor could wait until tomorrow morning if he wants, since there isn't an emergency." Thus began one of the craziest, yet amazing, days in my life.
I got back to my room and called Jeff then my Mom (who was only a few minutes from going to work at the temple). I was able to talk to both of them and they said they'd come on over. Jeff got there right away and my Mom was able to get there around 1pm. It was so nice to have them there with me as the nurses, doctors, anesthesiologist etc. got me ready for my c-section. They told me around 11am that I'd be having my baby around 4pm that day! It was so crazy, going from the same thing every day for 5 weeks and then, BAM!, everything started changing so quickly. I'm so thankful for all the nurses who had been so nice to me all the time, taking care of me and helping me through this whole process. I was pretty scared about having a c-section and my nurse was so nice to talk me through every step and what exactly was going to happen. I calmed down a little, but was still very nervous and scared while I waited for Jeff and my Mom to show up. As I was waiting my Aunt Tina (well, Jeff's aunt, but I claim her as my own now!) came in to check on me. She works at the hospital and has been such a comfort and friend coming to visit me almost every day she worked. She would bring me treats and would check up on how I was doing. When she came in I was still a nervous wreck and she also helped me calm down. She talked to me and massaged my legs and painted my toenails. It was so sweet and really helped take my mind off of everything that was going to happen. Thanks Tina!
Around lunch time I had another calming and reassuring experience. Jeff's boss, Matt, came to help Jeff give me a blessing. It was a beautiful blessing and I felt such love and peace in it. Afterwards Matt told me he knew I was going to be just fine. He said he felt very good about things. It was so nice to know that my Heavenly Father was going to see me through that day just as He had seen me through every day before that. I was still nervous, but I knew that I was in the Lord's hands and I could do anything with His help. Well, time started going by really fast at that point. Suddenly I'd eaten lunch and my Mom had arrived. I even received mail!! My friend, Jana, sent me a sweet card and cute little banner in the mail. Haha! You know you've been in the hospital a long time when you start getting mail...
I had a stream of people coming in after that... all doing something or telling me something or poking me with something. The NICU NP, Mollie, also came in to talk to me and reassure me. I had mentioned to my nurse that after hearing how the baby hadn't grown much in the 5 weeks I was in the hospital, I started feeling frustrated and wondering if it had all been worth it. She assured me that it HAD been worth it- that every day I was able to give him had been worth it and he was going to be so much better off than he would have been. That was really nice to hear and helped me calm down another irrational fear... for some reason those kept creeping up all day long...
I was so grateful to have people there with me to talk to, but it all seemed to be happening so fast... and then it was happening so slowly! Four o'clock came and went and we still didn't go into surgery. It was "hurry up and wait" for sure. I was nervous and a little scared, but I wanted to get it over with. The waiting was killing me! (Plus I really had to go to the bathroom, but they wouldn't let me since I was about to go in and I was already hooked up to lots of things... that was bad!) As I waited I continued to try and wrap my head around what was happening. It was all so surreal that I couldn't quite make myself understand I was going to have a baby. It seemed all wrong. With TJ I at least got to go into labor- feel myself progressing, and slowly get to the exciting point where it's time to get the baby out. With this I was just hanging out, feeling fine, then they were suddenly going to wheel me away, cut my open, and scoop the baby out of me. As much as I tried, I never was quite ready for what was about to happen. Ready or not, however, the time did come where I was wheeled away. Here we are all ready to go, Jeff in his "baby blues" and me with my scared face.
They wheeled me into this large, scary, white room full of strange looking tools and machines. It was comforting to know a lot of the people in the room (that happens when you live in the L and D for over a month), but I was still very much not ready for all that was to happen. I had to get up on this tiny little table that they made go up high in the air. It was not the calming, low-lights, pleasant sounds, low voices delivery room that I was hoping for. There were bright lights and scary sounds, plus they wouldn't let Jeff come in until I was all ready for the surgery... which stinks because I really needed his support and comfort through the whole scary preparation process. They gave me the epidural (but it wasn't quite an epidural... called something else I don't remember), which was pretty scary. I had to hold tightly to the nurses hands as I was numbed up- think of a Novocaine shot into your back- and then poked. I was shaking pretty hard (did I mention it was cold?) and they had to keep telling me to stay still, which was hard considering the anesthesiologist had a student with him and he was describing in detail everything he was doing... I really didn't need to hear that! (did I mention I'm a wimp?) They then had me lie down and they proceeded to hook me up to more equipment and strap me down. Every once in a while the anesthesiologist would pinch me and ask if I could feel it... I could feel it for the first bit and that scared me as well- what if I could feel everything?! (I know, irrational fears start to present themselves, but I didn't have a lot of control over them at that point). I kept praying my little heart out and I knew I'd be ok, but it was not going to be easy or painless... but it wouldn't be childbirth the Mom being able to give so much, through sacrifice, pain, and fear to her little baby.
Jeff was FINALLY allowed to come in and I was so thankful to be holding his hand. (Did I mentioned they strapped my arms down too?!) My awesome nurse, Kristi, also came in just to hold my other hand and cheer me on. Once they started the procedure it was scary and painful, but everyone was so great and kept telling me how great I was doing and letting me know how much more to expect. Jeff stayed right by my side (poor guy wanted to watch the birth, but had to stay right by me since I was having a hard time). The anesthesiologist kept having to tell me to breathe... apparently I forgot to do that kind of often. I didn't scream or anything, but I did moan a lot, and I think he was worried about me... he even offered to sedate me if I needed it. I'm glad that I was able to tough through it so I could be awake when my baby first came into the world.
Suddenly the anesthesiologist asked Jeff if he had a camera. Jeff pulled it out right when everyone started cheering and exclaiming at once. I remember hearing things like, "He's here, he's here!" "He cried! Did you hear him cry, Rachel?" "You did it!". It was all very confusing, but I do remember being relieved and confused when they asked if I heard him cry. How could I hear him cry when everyone was yelling at me?? Then I heard it... the tiniest little cry I'd ever heard, but there is was. My heart melted and I just wanted to see him. He was crying! That meant that his lungs were good! I craned my next back and was able to see a group of doctors and nurses, but in the their midst I saw a little foot. Jeff took pictures then came back to tell me that our baby as fine and beautiful and perfect.
Look at all that hair! It still blows me away how much hair he has!
His Apgar scores were 7 and 9! He only needed about 30 seconds of oxygen before they let him breathe on his own... a miracle right there! He was 3 lbs and all the doctors and nurses were so ecstatic
They then brought baby to me so I could see him. I stroked his face and told him hello.
They also were great to get a family photo of us before baby had to be taken to the NICU. I'm very out of it, but I think this picture is beautiful. Welcome to the world Gideon Marcus Whitchurch!!
When he was wheeled down the hall to the NICU my Mom got to get a glimpse of him. His eyes were open and he was looking around. The nurses started telling everyone in the hall that he was 3 lbs and everyone was so happy! (One nice thing about living in the hospital for 5 weeks, all the nurses, techs, and doctors know you and are excited for you). Happy birthday Gideon!!!
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