Faith and Fear

The first version I wrote of this was in November for a family newsletter. This month I was responsible for writing the Board Message in our Relief Society (church women's group) newsletter and I felt prompted to re-write the previous article I'd written about Faith and Fear.  Right after I published the RS newsletter with this article in it something happened to me where I had to choose faith over fear all over again.  The Lord knew I had to prepare myself and I'm so grateful.  Here is the article and then I will explain how it changed me the day it came out:

"I’ve been thinking a lot about Faith and Fear recently.  We all have times when we fear something for many different reasons.  We can be afraid of failing, afraid of the future, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being alone, afraid we might not be good enough, afraid of losing something/someone, afraid of looking strange or being cast out, afraid of where our path might lead us, afraid of experiencing change or growth, etc.  Life can be full of fear and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  Fear can start taking over our lives and living in fear can lead to pain, depression, anxiety, stress, heartache, etc. 

Although it may not always seem like it, we always have a choice.  We can’t always choose our circumstances, trials, or hardships, but we can choose how we react to them.  We can live in fear or we can live in faith.  Life can be full of fear but, it can also be full of faith.  Why don’t we overwhelm ourselves with faith? Why don’t we let faith take over our lives and lead us to peace, joy, trust, contentment, gratitude, and calm?  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 Fear does not come from our Heavenly Father.  He does not want us to be afraid, He wants us to believe, to hope, to trust, and have faith in Jesus Christ and His all reaching atonement.  When I lived in Laramie, Wyoming Elder Quintin L. Cook talked to our stake and told us to think of the things we fear the most in life– the very worst fears we have.  He then told us that the atonement covers all those things.  There is nothing we should be afraid of because the atonement covers it all.

In so many areas of my life this last year I’ve had to make a conscious choice- fear or faith?  A year ago today I was admitted to the hospital when my water broke and labor started at only 28 weeks.  As doctor after doctor came in to explain the seriousness of my situation and the problems that would most likely arise for myself and for my baby if he were to come at that time, I sat there in a stupor.  I was overwhelmed and felt like my world had just crashed in around me.  Fear was threatening to overtake me– fear or the future, fear of giving birth that early, fear of a disabled child, fear of a child’s death, fear of staying in the hospital for a long time, fear of my body not being good enough to house this little spirit I’d been blessed to grow inside of me, and more fears swirled around in my head.  I remember that entire night thinking of all the things that could go wrong and of all my fears and being shocked when I began to feel at peace.  I almost wanted to hold onto the fear to make myself realize the gravity of the situation, but I quickly realized how silly that was and that I was being given a beautiful gift.  My faith in the Savior and His beautiful atonement lifted me up, put me on solid ground, gave me hope, and gave me peace.  I didn’t know what the future would hold, but I knew there was a reason for what was happening and I was being held in the arms of my Redeemer. 

The next 12 months have been some of the hardest in my life, but I’ve also grown closer to my Savior through my faith which, during many moments, was all I had to cling onto.  Gideon was born at 33 weeks and is now a beautiful and healthy little boy.  Through each experience I’ve had to make my choice again, faith or fear?  I’ve found as I’ve chosen faith my life has been blessed in ways I never knew it could.  I’ve been through rough, lonely, and very hard experiences but with faith I was able to turn my fears, pains, stresses, worries, and loneliness to the Lord.  I was able to give Him all those hurts and live in faith. As I did that I was given peace, joy, and calm.  I was able to see things to be grateful for in my life.  I was able to see myself growing as a person, Mother, and daughter of God.  We are all given choices every day whether we will choose fear or faith.  You can’t escape trials and hardships, but you can make a choice each time whether you will turn to the Lord or turn away from Him.  Each time you choose faith you will grow closer to your Savior and you will be blessed.  Your trial probably won’t go away, but He will help you get through it and you will become a better person with His help.  I know He is always there for us and that the atonement covers everything!  Choose faith and cling to it for all you are worth because it will see you through everything this life can throw your way."

The night after this article came out I started going through my fourth miscarriage.  I was only about 9 weeks along and had a feeling that this pregnancy might not work out, but it was still scary and hard to accept when I started to lose the baby.  After we got the kids to bed Jeff gave me a blessing.  In his blessing he told me that this was another opportunity I was being given to choose "faith over fear".  I was astonished that those were the words he'd used when I'd just written that article (and hadn't even shown it to him yet).  At that moment my fear washed away and I knew I could do this.  Each time I've chosen to lean on my faith in the Lord I've been made stronger.  I was able to get through that week with hope, faith, peace, patience, and joy in my family.  Don't get me wrong, I still grieved and was in emotional and physical pain, but I knew that whatever happened I was being held in the Lord's hands and that I would be fine- and not just fine but I would be a better Mother and a better person for having had this experience.  

I know the Lord is there and He loves us and He has taken upon himself the pains and sicknesses of his people. (Alma 7:11).  He took my pain and my afflictions upon himself.  He has a plan for me and my family, and that plan didn't include this pregnancy resulting in another child, and THAT'S OK!  That's ok because I trust Him and I love Him and I put my whole faith and life in His hands.  I'm so blessed and I'm so thankful for all my opportunities to choose faith over fear.  I pray I will always choose what brings me peace.