Faith and Fear

The first version I wrote of this was in November for a family newsletter. This month I was responsible for writing the Board Message in our Relief Society (church women's group) newsletter and I felt prompted to re-write the previous article I'd written about Faith and Fear.  Right after I published the RS newsletter with this article in it something happened to me where I had to choose faith over fear all over again.  The Lord knew I had to prepare myself and I'm so grateful.  Here is the article and then I will explain how it changed me the day it came out:

"I’ve been thinking a lot about Faith and Fear recently.  We all have times when we fear something for many different reasons.  We can be afraid of failing, afraid of the future, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being alone, afraid we might not be good enough, afraid of losing something/someone, afraid of looking strange or being cast out, afraid of where our path might lead us, afraid of experiencing change or growth, etc.  Life can be full of fear and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  Fear can start taking over our lives and living in fear can lead to pain, depression, anxiety, stress, heartache, etc. 

Although it may not always seem like it, we always have a choice.  We can’t always choose our circumstances, trials, or hardships, but we can choose how we react to them.  We can live in fear or we can live in faith.  Life can be full of fear but, it can also be full of faith.  Why don’t we overwhelm ourselves with faith? Why don’t we let faith take over our lives and lead us to peace, joy, trust, contentment, gratitude, and calm?  “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 Fear does not come from our Heavenly Father.  He does not want us to be afraid, He wants us to believe, to hope, to trust, and have faith in Jesus Christ and His all reaching atonement.  When I lived in Laramie, Wyoming Elder Quintin L. Cook talked to our stake and told us to think of the things we fear the most in life– the very worst fears we have.  He then told us that the atonement covers all those things.  There is nothing we should be afraid of because the atonement covers it all.

In so many areas of my life this last year I’ve had to make a conscious choice- fear or faith?  A year ago today I was admitted to the hospital when my water broke and labor started at only 28 weeks.  As doctor after doctor came in to explain the seriousness of my situation and the problems that would most likely arise for myself and for my baby if he were to come at that time, I sat there in a stupor.  I was overwhelmed and felt like my world had just crashed in around me.  Fear was threatening to overtake me– fear or the future, fear of giving birth that early, fear of a disabled child, fear of a child’s death, fear of staying in the hospital for a long time, fear of my body not being good enough to house this little spirit I’d been blessed to grow inside of me, and more fears swirled around in my head.  I remember that entire night thinking of all the things that could go wrong and of all my fears and being shocked when I began to feel at peace.  I almost wanted to hold onto the fear to make myself realize the gravity of the situation, but I quickly realized how silly that was and that I was being given a beautiful gift.  My faith in the Savior and His beautiful atonement lifted me up, put me on solid ground, gave me hope, and gave me peace.  I didn’t know what the future would hold, but I knew there was a reason for what was happening and I was being held in the arms of my Redeemer. 

The next 12 months have been some of the hardest in my life, but I’ve also grown closer to my Savior through my faith which, during many moments, was all I had to cling onto.  Gideon was born at 33 weeks and is now a beautiful and healthy little boy.  Through each experience I’ve had to make my choice again, faith or fear?  I’ve found as I’ve chosen faith my life has been blessed in ways I never knew it could.  I’ve been through rough, lonely, and very hard experiences but with faith I was able to turn my fears, pains, stresses, worries, and loneliness to the Lord.  I was able to give Him all those hurts and live in faith. As I did that I was given peace, joy, and calm.  I was able to see things to be grateful for in my life.  I was able to see myself growing as a person, Mother, and daughter of God.  We are all given choices every day whether we will choose fear or faith.  You can’t escape trials and hardships, but you can make a choice each time whether you will turn to the Lord or turn away from Him.  Each time you choose faith you will grow closer to your Savior and you will be blessed.  Your trial probably won’t go away, but He will help you get through it and you will become a better person with His help.  I know He is always there for us and that the atonement covers everything!  Choose faith and cling to it for all you are worth because it will see you through everything this life can throw your way."

The night after this article came out I started going through my fourth miscarriage.  I was only about 9 weeks along and had a feeling that this pregnancy might not work out, but it was still scary and hard to accept when I started to lose the baby.  After we got the kids to bed Jeff gave me a blessing.  In his blessing he told me that this was another opportunity I was being given to choose "faith over fear".  I was astonished that those were the words he'd used when I'd just written that article (and hadn't even shown it to him yet).  At that moment my fear washed away and I knew I could do this.  Each time I've chosen to lean on my faith in the Lord I've been made stronger.  I was able to get through that week with hope, faith, peace, patience, and joy in my family.  Don't get me wrong, I still grieved and was in emotional and physical pain, but I knew that whatever happened I was being held in the Lord's hands and that I would be fine- and not just fine but I would be a better Mother and a better person for having had this experience.  

I know the Lord is there and He loves us and He has taken upon himself the pains and sicknesses of his people. (Alma 7:11).  He took my pain and my afflictions upon himself.  He has a plan for me and my family, and that plan didn't include this pregnancy resulting in another child, and THAT'S OK!  That's ok because I trust Him and I love Him and I put my whole faith and life in His hands.  I'm so blessed and I'm so thankful for all my opportunities to choose faith over fear.  I pray I will always choose what brings me peace.

The Story

“Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of Mother's Love“ 

-By Maureen Hawkins

This story has been told in many ways- most notably on Good Morning America, KUTV, and Fox and Friends.  While we are grateful we've been able to share Gideon's miracle none of these interviews and stories shared our story as we thought it should've been told.  Each story told took out most or all of our comments about God, Faith, Prayers, and the Lord which were the most important parts for us.  Here is our story in my own words.  Thank you for reading. -Rachel

Our older son was born at 35 weeks when my water broke prematurely.  I found at later this was called pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes).  My doctor, at the time, said there was too much risk to trying to keep him inside at all so a few hours after my water broke I was induced then gave birth to a beautiful 4 lb 12 oz little boy.  My doctor had no answers as to why my water broke and said it was probably a fluke since it was not accompanied by pre-term labor and there was nothing to indicate that the same thing would happen again.   He is now an active and fun 6 year old.

Five years and 3 miscarriages later we were finally expecting a little boy!  We were so excited and ready for a new member of our family.  When we first found out we were pregnant we were optimistic, but didn’t want to get too attached since we had that worry in the back of our heads that this could be another miscarriage.  I didn’t think I was ready to go through that kind of heartbreak again.  When you have a miscarriage you feel like a part of your heart has been ripped out and it is not an easy thing to come to terms with.  My three miscarriages were the three hardest days of my life.  You go through so many different emotions- from joy to sorrow and everything in between.  After waiting so long to add to your family you can’t help but get completely attached to this new little baby growing inside you, as you watch him in ultrasounds, listen to her little heart beat, pick out names, start buying baby clothes, tell all your family and friends, etc. You can’t help but fall in love with this little baby and start imagining how your life and your family will be different and blessed in just a few short months.  Then, suddenly, you are being asked to push all that aside and move on.  You hear that you should forget the precious little peanut that was almost yours.  That you should buck up and get a grip- it was only a fetus anyway.  You are also told that it isn’t a big deal and you should just “try again”, like this pregnancy was a fail and all you have to do is try harder until you succeed.  The only problem with all this is that YOU CAN’T just forget that a piece of your heart is missing!  I don’t care who makes guesses as to when your fetus is really “alive”- all three were alive to me.  They moved, their hearts beat, and I was in love with each one.   You have to allow yourself time to mourn, to grieve for your loss, to be comforted by friends and family, and to slowly pick up the pieces and come to terms with what you’ve gone through.

During one of my darkest days I heard something that touched me to the core.  I was listening to a man speak who had tragically lost his wife and children. He told me about how dark he had been, but then he suddenly knew he had a choice... he could either choose to turn to the Lord or turn away from the Lord.  I knew right then I had the same choice and I HAD to choose the Lord because without him I would be lost. The only way I could get through each miscarriage was with the help of a loving and dear Father in Heaven.  He was with me every day and He sent his Holy Spirit to dwell in my heart and give me peace.  He gave me His son, Jesus Christ, to take away all my hurt, pain, sorrow, grief, and heartache through His great Atonement.  I still had to take time to be sad, but I knew that ultimately I was in the Lord’s hands.  He would not forsake me, He had a plan for me and my family, and each miscarriage was a trial and experience that drew me closer to Him than I’d ever been.  I had to lean on my Lord and trust in Him with all my heart.  Once I did that I was given peace and comfort and I knew that I would be ok. Someday we would be blessed with another child, but until then I could endure whatever came my way- even three miscarriages- because the Lord was on my side and I could do anything with His help!

Because I had these experiences I feel that I was ready for the next trial of my faith that was about to be sent my way.  I had no way of knowing what was coming, but looking back, I know that all I had been through in my life had prepared me to deal with what was about to come.

My pregnancy was relatively “ordinary” up until I went into the hospital.  Of course we were concerned about miscarriages so I had ultrasounds at 6 weeks and 10 weeks to hear the baby’s heartbeat and make sure everything was doing ok.  At 15 weeks we told our families, then after our 20 week ultrasound- where we found out we’d be having another boy!- we finally told our extended families and our friends.  I get very sick when I’m pregnant and this pregnancy wasn’t any better.  I couldn’t stand most foods and smells and had to force myself to eat.  I had no energy and would fall asleep all the time.  We didn’t see Jeff much for two months because he was so busy working and studying for the Utah State BAR.  He would work all day and study all night, with a one hour break to spend time with us and eat dinner with us.  I couldn’t wait until my third trimester, since he would be done with the BAR and we could do all sorts of fun things as a family again as well as get ready for the baby.  The third trimester is also when I felt the best with my first son and it is also the time when you’ve passed the scary stage if you happened to have your baby early.  Because I’d gone so early with my first I was determined to be completely “ready” by 32 weeks.  I thought if I had his room ready, clothes out and sorted, baby blankets made, hospital bag put together, etc. by 32 weeks that would be plenty of time even if I did have a preemie again. 

Well, the day I turned 28 weeks my water broke.  It also happened to be the second day of the BAR exam.  An hour before Jeff was supposed to come home, I was walking to the park with my son and our dog when I felt a small rush.  I thought, “This can’t be happening!”  I was in such denial that I continued on to the park with my son and came home to start make banana bread.  Well, as I was making bread I felt another rush and decided I better call the doctor.  He told me to come in right away since they were closing soon.  Leaving the half-finished banana bread on the counter I called my husband and told him to meet me at the doctor- he was driving home from taking the BAR which he had finished literally 30 minutes earlier.  We met at the doctor’s office where we were told to go straight to the hospital. We dropped off our older son at Jeff’s brother’s house then I checked into Timpanogos Regional Hospital 40 minutes later.  We were scared and trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. We had multiple doctors, nurses, and specialists talk to us and warn us of the risks and problems that we should expect if our baby was born that day or the next.  When a baby is born at 28 weeks there are risks to baby’s survival, lungs, heart, brain, nervous system, etc. Since I had already lost so much water I was put on bed rest in the hospital, given steroids to help baby’s lungs grow, and more medicine to stop contractions that had already started.  I was also given antibiotics to help prevent infection- the biggest worry.  If there is an infection to Mother or baby  it can lead to preterm labor or doctors will decide to deliver the baby since it is dangerous to keep him in.  With Teancum- my water broke at 35 weeks and they induced me right away since they didn’t want to risk infection. Doctors told us that our baby would most likely be born within the next couple hours or days, but that the hope was we could hang on for 48 hours.  After two long, scary, stressful days we were told that the longest we could hope for would be a week.  And since I continued to lose a lot of water, and had hardly any left, if we lasted 10 days it would be a miracle.  I spent the next 5 weeks in the hospital keeping that beautiful amazing little baby inside of me. 

It was lonely and scary being in that hospital room day after day. During the first week I was feeling sad, pained, and lonely and was thinking about how hard it was to suffer in a hospital bed day in and day out.  I pictured in my mind parents having to watch their children suffer in hospital beds everyday and how those parents would do anything to take the place of their children for them.  I knew I was being blessed by being given an opportunity to serve my little baby. Every day I kept him inside me was worth 3 days he would’ve spent in the NICU.  I was being given the opportunity to sit in a hospital bed so he didn’t have to.  When I thought about that I was willing to do anything and stay as long as I could so my sweet baby wouldn’t have to.  All the pain, loneliness, stress, fear, needles, medicine, etc.  was worth it because I could take my child’s place.  If he had been born at 28 weeks he would’ve been in the hospital for months and months feeling scared and lonely, being poked by needles, trying to grow and develop his little body into what it needed to be.  I had the opportunity to lay in a hospital bed so my baby didn’t have to.  Once I understood this blessing I was being given it changed my whole perspective.  Instead of being upset that I had to spend another day in the hospital, in a bed, away from my family I rejoiced that I was being given another day to sacrifice my wants and desires for my sweet little baby.  I knew he was worth it and I was so grateful for my Heavenly Father for teaching me this lesson.  I knew that the Savior has perfect love for each of us because he made the ultimate sacrifice for us.  You can’t help but love someone when you sacrifice so much for them.  I grew in love for my baby every day because I was able to sacrifice so much for him.

Every day we were told that I would most likely have the baby that day or the next.  With faith and prayers and amazing medical staff our sweet little boy was born at 33 weeks via c-section instead of 28 weeks.  Neither Gideon or myself ever got an infection!  Doctors determined that his growth wasn’t quite what they wanted so they decided it was time to deliver him.  He was only 3 pounds when he was born, but he was healthy, breathing, and fighting from the beginning.  He even cried in the delivery room!  We felt our Father in Heaven’s hand in everything that happened and feel so blessed that our sweet little baby was able to stay inside his Mommy to develop and grow for 5 weeks longer than anyone thought he could.  My doctors called myself and our little Gideon both miracles. 

From the womb Gideon has been a fighter.  He is named after two warriors for good from the Book of Mormon and the Bible.  He fought to stay in Mommy, he fought to grow strong and healthy in the hospital, and even got to go home 2 weeks before they thought he’d be able to.

A week after Gideon was born my husband, Jeff, was let go from his job.  You can imagine how hard losing a job is on a family, but especially when you have a baby in the NICU needing specialists and extra care all the time. We tried to find the positive in the situation and were grateful Jeff could now visit Gideon when he wanted and help with our other son so I could be at the hospital as much as possible.

Gideon spent the next 5 ½ weeks in the expert care of the NICU at Timpanogos Hospital and was under the constant supervision of angels.  He fought every day to grow big and strong.  There were ups and downs, but we were told often how amazing our little Gideon was and what a blessing and miracle it was that he made it to 33 weeks.  All he needed was a little extra time in the hospital to learn to eat, breathe, and keep his body temperature normal.  It was extremely hard to leave him there each night in that little bed, only getting to hold him for brief moments each day, and go home knowing my baby was in the hospital without me.  I would go to church and see babies and my body would react and I would start crying because I yearned to hold my baby.  We spent those 5 weeks driving to and from the hospital, celebrating the little achievements, treasuring the precious moments we got to hold him or see his eyes, trying to teach him how to eat, and cheering for every ounce he gained. 

We were blessed with many little miracles and some very major miracles in the 11 weeks we spent at the hospital.  

The last miracle was the day before Mother’s Day getting a call that told us we could finally get Gideon and bring him home!  I couldn’t have ever asked for a better Mother’s Day present!

Gideon is now 6 months old and doing great!  He continues to grow and develop all the time and we continue to celebrate his many achievements.   He is the sweetest baby with the sweetest spirit.  He seems to enjoy life and has such a dear ready smile.  Because he came to us so early and had to go through so much in his little life we feel that he was blessed to have more help from the other side than a normal baby.  We love our Gideon and know he is special and feel honored we were given the opportunity to raise him and know him.

Our journey was very different than we expected it to be, but we wouldn’t give up our experience for anything.  We learned so much during those trying months.  We grew in faith, strength, courage, resolve, trust, and love.  Our family is so much stronger for getting the opportunity to experience miracles first hand.  When you sacrifice so much for someone you grow in love for that person every day.  We have such a strong bond with our dear Gideon because of all the sacrifices we were blessed to make for our child. We felt the power of all the prayers offered for us and we can say without a doubt that we know prayers are heard and answered!  We know that our journey was much easier than some and we pray for all those babies who are ever in the NICU.  We pray for their families and for their tireless nurses and doctors.  You can get through this!  Miracles occur every day, God will not forsake you, and in the end you will be stronger and more loving because of your experience.  We know we’re not the only ones who have ever been through this, but to us this experience was a MIRACLE.

*Make sure you check out our YouTube video we made to tell our whole story.  You can find it under the Our YouTube Video tab at the top of the page or by clicking here.